One year later

“I wish our life would slow down sometimes. Our life together is going to go by so quickly.”

I sometimes wonder if we’ll recognize our spouse in Heaven. It makes me sad thinking there’s a chance we won’t recognize the love of our life even though I know there are no tears in Heaven.

I rarely become attached to any one thing. My life circumstances have shown me deep friendships that last but for a moment only to linger in a distant memory that balances on a fine line between fact and fiction. Occasional gatherings help but the gaps are still there like the memories of a child victim to divorce – incomplete.

This past year I’ve come to understand a beautiful depth in friendship. A place I normally want to run from, I am now challenged by and find joy in. I’ve found a deeper understanding of unity and can’t imagine how much further we’ll go with the birth of our child, obstacles and all.

Yet it’s the beauty that reveals the broken. The friendships that tell me I’m alone. The gaps that keep getting wider. The two way street now reads “one way”. It’s hard not to ask “Where are you?” and while my husband redefines friendship other circumstances make me question if there’s such a permanent thing.

Then I’m asked to look at myself and there’s not one to blame.

I ask for grace to fall on my family. I know we’re meant for something deeper.

Kicks and punches

(Tiny) kicks.

There’s a whole lot of twitching happening these days and once in awhile I can actually see my tummy move. I have a feeling a lot of punching and kicking is happening inside and it’s all very cute and miraculous and pretty amazingly awesome (although I have made a mental note to enjoy my sleep now).

Punches

Two weeks down, 3 more to go. I’m much happier without school but this is something I choose to endure through. I know it’s about the day to day journey but I’m really looking towards the end goal. I’m thinking Phillipians 3: Pressing on toward the Goal. Every journey is a spiritual journey including my career. So here I am, pressing onward.

This one girl that I hung out with recently wanted to show me her work since no one seemed to understand what she does. The line of work can be considered glamorous and it’s unfortunate that I don’t really understand it – and neither does other people – so when she got into this program that’s apparently hard to get into she may have been the only one celebrating. Someone else I know recently got into med school and everyone knows it’s difficult to get into med school. They understand the hard work, dedication and time put into preparing and applying. So you can probably envision the celebratory reaction towards the news.

There is one thing I really suck at in life: Celebrating. I recall Fall conference 2003 when someone in our fellowship accepted Christ and a fellow brother made a huge ordeal out of it – I’m talking noise and dancing and celebration and telling everyone the good news. I recall missions 2006 when another unbeliever came to Christ and her fellowship surprised her with a cake and sang happy birthday. I suddenly understood how good it is to celebrate. It was the first time in my life where I witnessed people rejoicing with their entire being and all in Christ’s name. Think: The prodigal son party. The angels are rejoicing and we should be too, I was told. I wanted to reply: But where I come from, we don’t do that. I’d rather make you a card, add some really nice words, a bible verse to encourage and hand it to you with a congratulatory smile. That’s what we do. Encouragement notes, not full blown parties.

“Your child should inherit Tiffany’s brains and your sense of fun.” said a family member to Andy, jokingly. I couldn’t agree with the latter part of the statement more. How do you teach a child to play well? Rest well? Celebrate well? In my mind, teaching work ethic, discipline and responsibility is easier. There are very obvious results (and a sense of accomplishment) to working hard whereas in my experience, you may leave an event not having had any fun, any rest or celebrated at all. But I still wonder why I suck so much at having fun.

Some days, you take the verbal punches that really, no one even thinks is a punch. “Why didn’t you just get your master’s degree?”, “What’re you doing nowadays, anyway?”, “Did you quit your job?”, “Your practi- WHAT?” If it was Joe-Schmo, it wouldn’t matter but it’s usually the people you think know you that make these comments. I always thought its okay for someone else to not understand. What really matters is that God understands, correct? And then you’re asked to celebrate and suddenly, you’re the prodigal son’s brother who tries to understand the joy of celebration but can’t because you’ve been misunderstood. Or you can. But from a far, far, far-off distance.

It’s good enough for God alone to understand you. Really, that’s all you need. But it’s good for people to understand you too. I believe that. So to the girl who’s starting her little-known prestigious program, I get you and I’m sorry people close to you may not. And to the guy who got into med school, congratulations and I’m terribly sorry I don’t know how to celebrate with you in full. I hope to learn one day.

Claritin, how I miss you

Once upon a time, Claritin, Reactine and chlorotripolon were friends to my allergy-prone body. The little pills were an essential every spring, summer and random allergic reaction I have lived through since I can remember. Not many people know I have allergies, eczema or allergy-related asthma because these over the counter tablets along with my inhaler have kept symptoms at bay whenever they do arise.

And then I got pregnant.

Spring was approaching, I was getting itchy and sniffly but decided to avoid drugs at all cause. Runny nose, itchy eyes…it’s not so bad right? A visit to see Timbit and my parent’s new dog had me leaving in a hurry, wanting to get any bit of dog dander off me. Ummm…maybe, I can’t survive an entire season without my friend Claritin. I’ll ask about taking antihistamines at my next OB appointment.

“Take them as little as possible - when necessary.” said my OB.

But they’re necessary everyday between April and September! Darn.


I used to be fine with Timbit but because she hasn’t been living with us, my body freaks out when I’m re-introduced to her. Like on Sunday and Tuesday which left me with a scratchy throat and nasal congestion. Fun. Then there was that deadly cat that lives in the house we bought. Three wheezy hours of home inspection and 20 kleenexes (used and reused again) later, I was wondering if we should buy the home. Especially since I was not the only wheezy one – Andy was struggling to breathe as well. With my childhood history of bronchitis, pneumonia and other mild to severe asthma crises and with Andy’s mild asthma condition, it will be a miracle if our child does not have allergies or asthma. So it looks like we’ll be cleaning our new home inside and out for the first few months. We’ll steam clean the carpets and have the ducts professionally cleaned too. It’s one thing for us to be wheezy but I don’t want to risk our newborn wheezing and scratching with us.

Oh boy

Yet another adventurous ultrasound appointment awaited us early Monday morning. 7:15 a.m. kind of early and we weren’t even the first appointment. Ultrasounds make me sooo nervous. Have I been eating, sleeping and living well enough for the baby to develop normally? Do I have enough faith, enough God-confidence to see what I’m about to see? I know the protocol now – the technician does her thing then when she’s done she gets Andy and shows us the ultrasound. I spent the first 20 minutes analyzing the technician’s face since I couldn’t distinguish anything on the screen. I couldn’t read her facial expression. Finally, she goes to get Andy.

“So here we go… there’s the eyes, the nose, the mouth which is open. This black hole is the stomach and this one is the bladder which is full. That’s good ‘cause it means it’s functioning. Here’s one arm and here’s the other arm. These white dots on either side are the ribs and here’s the spine (as we see a row of white dots), here’s one leg and here’s between the legs and here’s the other leg.”

Whoa, hold up. She skipped over something there. Um yeah…the “between the legs” part? I’m pretty sure I saw something.

Andy: “Can you tell if it’s a boy or girl?”
Tech: “Yes. I can. Did you want to know?”
Me: “Yeah, we want to know.”

Tech: “Here’s the scrotum so you have yourself a little boy.”

I knew I saw something! What a crazy feeling one piece of information gives you. Both joy and peace struck me as I started to think of who this little boy is going to be. I’m so glad we found out. I would think it’s as much a surprise at 4 months as it is after labour. Minus the pain. For me, knowing is not just good for preparing but before we even knew the sex of our child, we naturally perceived the baby as one sex or the other. It was only natural to give the child a sex and Andy and I swayed towards a girl. Sorry buddy. Even when you’re older and you can read my blog – yes, it’s true, for some reason we had a tendency to think you were a girl. So I’m really glad we found out. We’re just a bit nervous about having a mini Andy, a.k.a bratty boy! =0P

Nothing but praises

A few days ago I realized I haven’t been upset in quite some time. It’s funny how easily I forget how great life once was when my world is crashing and burning. And it’s funny how easily I forgot how tough life was when I’m showered with blessings. I recall Fall days of tears and silence. A whole lot of doubt, questions and lack of desire. I remember painfully telling Jesus I still loved Him – I just really hated life.

It sucked. But it was something I knew I just had to push through. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.

“…we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:3-5

We got ourselves together and moved on and suddenly, it was sunny again.

Our condo sold 3 weeks after listing it. At a price we wanted. On a closing day we chose. I completed my second semester and got the grades I worked for. I had two weeks off of school and we purchased our home during this time frame. In the price range we wanted. In the location we wanted. And with the same closing date as our condo.

Life has been good. I think some people think we’re crazy to ‘plan’ things this way and I know some like to settle down before adding to their family but this is our story and we love it. I can stand here and tell you my blessings did not come from our own doings. God provided and we trusted. And He provided again. And we trusted again. And then He provided some more and it became impossible not to trust Him.

"…Let him who boasts boast in the Lord” 1 Corinthians 1:31

Heart beat and panting dog

I decided not to embarass myself (and Andy) this time. 4 weeks ago our prenatal appointment ended like so (for the most part):

"Can you come in on the 13th? Around 1 p.m.?"

Flipping through my agenda..."Umm...do you think we could make it the following week? I'm a student and I have exams that week."

*All the thirty something moms-to-be turned around and stared at me. Or maybe they're twenty something and the dark circles are baby-related, not age-related*

Wow, could I not have thought twice before saying that?

I'm twenty five ladies. I work. It's okay, you're not witnessing a teen pregnancy here although...well, HEY, quit judging!

So there we were yesterday, for our 5 minute long prenatal appointment where everythingisfineandyouruterusisgrowingnormallyandyour
testscamebacknegativeandletstakealistentoyourbabyandit
seemstobemovingalotand...

"Is that its heartbeat?"

"Yes."

"It's so fast."

"is that noise because it's moving around?"

"Yes."

"It sounds like...panting." (me)

"It sounds like our dog." (Andy)

L.O.L. It really did but I didn't want to say it.

"Well, it's a baby in there, I'm quite sure."(our OB)

Easter

“Did you read to the baby today?”

“Yes.”

“What did you read?”

“The Easter story.”

“What? But that’s not a happy story!”

“I’m just introducing him or her to the harsh realities of this world.

“Did you explain that Jesus rose three days later?”

*silence*

“Of course I explained it. What kind of mother do you think I am?”

I read the Easter story to the little one last weekend and had to explain why the story was so sad and brutal at the beginning and that he/she just had to wait until the end where it gets better. Even if I read out of a picture Bible, the story would be the same child-unfriendly story. But the story goes as it’s written and I have no right to change any of it, even when I’m reading to my -5 month old child (who can’t even hear me for another few months, really).

It was actually really hard to read those chapters in the book of John. What a terribly ugly, ugly world we live in and what saving we need from Jesus everyday. People are mean. How does a crowd chant “Crucify!” in unison at an innocent man?

I go to workout in the gym and there’s this guy going nuts on the elliptical with his short shorts on as usual (gross). I was doing my relatively lame cardio hoping the hoodie pulled over my head would help me break a sweat since I can’t really break a sweat through intense workouts anymore (I just can’t stand all the extra frontal baggage bouncing up and down…it just feels wrong nevermind how it looks). I was watching the woman’s network but couldn’t hear a thing Jennifer Garner was saying ‘cause this guy was watching the Easter story on TV at an unhealthy volume level. All I could hear was the chanting of “Crucify!” What’re the chances?

I worked out for 10 minutes and left. I just really needed to focus on the fact that Jesus rose three days later and that my child has the opportunity to live (spiritually) free from darkness no matter how physically or emotionally horrible he/she will feel throughout times of his/her life. So okay, I know, he was crucified. But hey, he rose too. We need to celebrate that. I would prefer to have Easter Monday off over Good Friday.